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英语笑话大全 爆笑

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简介英语笑话大全 爆笑       您好,很高兴能为您介绍一下英语笑话大全 爆笑的相关问题。我希望我的回答能够给您带来一些启示和帮助。1.童真童趣英语幽默笑话2.英语小笑话精选3.大笑英语笑话笑破你的肚子4.经典英语笑话集

英语笑话大全 爆笑

       您好,很高兴能为您介绍一下英语笑话大全 爆笑的相关问题。我希望我的回答能够给您带来一些启示和帮助。







英语笑话大全 爆笑



        1. Tommy: "How is your little brother, Johnny?"



        Johnny: "He is ill in bed. He hurt himself."


        Tommy: "That's too bad. How did that happen?"


        Johnny: "We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won."


        2. Son: "Dad, is French hard to learn?"


        Father: "My boy, at the beginning it is, but after that, it becomes easy."


        Son: "That's great! I'll learn the latter half."


        3. A little boy lost his way and went to ask the policeman by the road.


        The policeman asked, "Sonny, where's your home?"


        The boy replied, "My mother teaches me to ask the policeman when I lose my way, but she doesn't tell me where I live."


        4. The mother asked her little son, "Tom, if the car is made of cholocate, which part will you eat first?


        Tom replied quickly, "Wheels! Then the car won't be off."


        5. A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach.


        "Well, sit down and have some snacks," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."


        Shortly afterwards, dad came in from work, complaining of a headche. "That's because it's empty," said his son. "You'll be all right if you have something in it."







        Smith was the manager of a construction company and was taking bids on a new project. Thefirst bidder was a Polish company, and their representative offered to do the job for $ 400,000. "That seems reasonable," said Smith. "Can you give me a breakdown on that?"


        "Sure," said the Pole, " $200, 000 for labor and $ 200,000 for materials. "


        Next to make a bid was the Standard American Construction Company, which bid $ 800,000.


        "Hmm, that seems a bit high," said Smith. "What's the breakdown?"


        " $ 400,000 0n materials, $ 400,000 0n labor. "


        "I'll get back to you. "


        Finally the representative of Cohen, Goldstein and Leibowitz entered Smith's office. " $ 1,200,000 is our bid," said the agent."


        $11 200, 0001 That' s way out of line," exclaimed Smith. "Can you give me a breakdown onthat?"


        "No problem," replied the rep. " $400, 000 for me,$ 400 , 000 for you and $ 400,000 for thePolacks.




        The black couple already had eight children, and Lula May was pregnantwith her ninth. Finallyshe convinced her husband to get a vasectomy.


        On the morning of the operation, she was surprised to see her husbandputting on a tuxedoand getting into a limousine for the short ride to thehospital.


        "Say, honey, what's all this about?" asked Lula May.


        "Baby, if you gonna be important, you gotta look important.




        A Jew, an Indian and a black were lined up to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.


        Said the Jew to St. Peter, 66 Frankly, I'm rather surprised to be here. All my life Christians havedespised and reviled me. "


        "That's a great sorrow to us,"said St. Peter, "but you won't find that kind of prejudice here.Here, all are truly equal.Just spell God and you may enter."


        the Jew truly spell out god and was swept through the gates.Next,the Indian came forward andsaid,"St.Peter,all my life I suffered from poverty and discrimination,and could only live in areservation.Will I truly be free here?"


        "My son, your troubles are over.Just spell the word God you will be free as a bird. "


        The Indian obliged and he, too, entered the Heavenly Kingdom.


        Next,the black man strode forward."St. Peter," he said, "all my life people looked down on meand treated me unfairly.That won't happen here, will it?"


        "Of course not, my boy. We don't do that kind of thing here.Just spell" onomatopoeia "and theKingdom of Heaven is yours "



        1. 简单英语小笑话12篇

        2. 英语爆笑笑话

        3. 英语小笑话带翻译简短

        4. 关于短小的英文小笑话带翻译

        5. 英语小笑话带翻译

        6. 关于英语小笑话带翻译简短


       1:Dream 梦想

        The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

        "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

        "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.

        "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.

        农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生,“你为何要选择这个职业?”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元,就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元?”主任惊诧地问道。


        2:Wedding or Not

        Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.

        Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!



        3:A Boy with a Big Head大头娃娃

        A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."

        "Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."

        "Where is the shopping bag?"

        "I haven't got one-use your hat."

        一个小男孩向他母亲哭诉道:“他们都取笑我,说我脑袋大。” “别听他们的,”他母亲安慰道,“你有一个很漂亮的脑袋。好啦,别哭了,去商店买十斤土豆来。”



        4:All Right 没关系

        Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.



        A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

        The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


        司机说:“伙计,别再这么干了。你把我吓破胆了!”乘客抱歉地说,“我没想到拍你一下就吓成这样。” 司机说:“对不起,也不全是你的错。今天是我第一天开出租,以前25年里我一直开殡葬车。”


        A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses?" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

        一个窃贼潜入一户人家。他看到一个喜欢的CD机,他赶紧拿了。就在这个时候他听到有人说:“耶稣正在看着你。”他照着手电看来看去,嘀咕着:“到底是什么人在说话?”这时,他看到桌子上有些钱,他又拿了。。。那声音又来了:“耶稣正在看着你。”他躲到一个角落,想找出是谁在说话。结果看到一只鹦鹉,于是他问鹦鹉:“是你在说话吗?”鹦鹉承认了。 小贼说:“你叫什么名字?”“摩西”。小贼说:“什么人给鸟取这种名字?”鹦鹉回答:“就是那个给他的罗威那犬取名为‘耶稣’的那个人啊。”

        7:Only One Eye to Settle On

        The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"

        "I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

        姑娘找到媒人,说:“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼,你以前为什么不告诉我?” “怎么没告诉你?”媒人也不甘示弱,“你们第一回见面后,我就说,他一眼就看中你了。”


        Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

        His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

        To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"




        9:The Use of a Handsaw

        At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.

        Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.

        Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.

        The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and mented, "And I see that. you, sir, have e for our T-bone special.

        在集市上,我和妻子买了一些五金用品,包括一个手锯。我们返回汽车时刚好路过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧,”我妻子建议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的,但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说:“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我,看了看我的锯,说道:“我能看出,先生,你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”


        One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.

        The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.

        He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"

        "No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."






        How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?

        怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中**给乘客们发口香糖的时候,她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后,一位乘客跑到这位空中**面前,说道:“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

        12:A Blind Beggar

        There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.

        在路边一个盲人乞丐戴着墨镜在街上行乞。一个醉汉走过来,觉得他可怜,就扔了一百元给他。走了一段路,醉汉一回头,恰好看见那个盲人正对着太阳分辨那张百元大抄的真假。醉汉过来一把夺回钱道:“你不想活了,竟敢骗老子!” 盲人乞丐一脸委屈说:“大哥,真对不起啊,我是替一个朋友在这看一下,他是个瞎子,去上厕所了,其实我是个哑巴。”“哦,是这样子啊!”于是醉汉扔下钱, 又摇摇晃晃地走了……







        True Dedication


        Mrs. Fortesque was getting more and more worried.


        Her husband had left for a round of golf early in the morning and by mid-afternoon he still wasn't home.


        Evening came and Mr.Fortesque still hadn't returned.


        The lady was just about to call the police when she heard her husband's car pulling into the drive way,


        Rushing outside, she told her husband, "Darling, I was so worried about you. What kept you?"


        "Charlie had a heart attack on the fourth hole."


        "Oh, my goodness, that's terrible!"


        "You're telling me! All day long it was shoot the ball, drag Charlie, shoot the ball, drag Charlie . . . . "



        Make a Wish


        Every morning on his way to work, a business man passed a house where he saw a woman beating her looy on the head with a loaf of bread.


        But on this particular day, he noticed that she was hitting him with a piece of chocolate cake.


        Unable to restrain his curiosity, he rang the doorbell and the woman answere .


        "Madam, I couldn't help but notice that every day you beat your child with a loaf of bread. . . "


        "That's true ."


        "And yet today I observed that you were hitting him with a piece of chocolate cake. ',


        ?Well, today's his birthday. ?



        A Precocious Child


        When the door-to-door salesman rang the doorbell of the suburban home,


        he was taken a back when a 10-year-old boy opened the door smoking a big cigar.


        The salesman could only stammer out, "Er, is your mother at home?"


        Answered the boy, "What do you think?"



        A Remarkable Talent


        "Did you know I could tell time by the piano?" asked one friend of another.


        "You're kidding," replied his companion dubiously.


        "I'll show you," said the first man as he sat down at the piano and started to hammer out a martial tune.


        Within seconds came a pounding on the wall, and an angry voice shouting,


        "Hey, you son of a bitch, don?t you realize it,s three o?clock in the morning?"



        City Suckers


        Two city folk were on a drive in the country, but got completely lost.


        Pulling over next to an old farmer, they asked him if he knew the way back to the city.


        "Nope. Can't say that I do," replied the old hayseed.


        "Well, can you tell us how to get back to the main highway?"


        "Nope. Don't know that, either. "


        "Well, you sure don't know much, do you?"


        " Could be. . . but I ain't lost, neither."








       These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed.


       Sure enough, when Friday came,the boss left early. Therefore,the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home,he heard a noise from upstairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was ing from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door.


       He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was. His friend asked,"I thought you were headed home.”The man replied,"I did,but this is the last time I ever leave work early again.” His friend asked, “Why's that?" The man replied, "The boss almost caught me.”




       In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I' m afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi一risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”


       The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "hell, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and X200 for a female brain.” The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to *** ile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually looked.


       A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor *** iled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It' s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,because they've been used.”




       One late night, a blonde was traveling when she passed a hotel and decided to stop for the night. When she entered the hotel,she rented a room for the night and on her way up, she heard some ladies talking in the hall about a secret mirror in the girl’s washroom on the bottom floor.


       The blonde became so curious that she had to check it out. So, that night the blonde went to the girls' washroom on the bottom floor. When she got there she saw a line in front of a mirror in which she joined.


       Now the rule with this magic mirror was that she who told the truth in this mirror would be granted any wish she desired, but she who told a lie in this mirror would be sucked up into the mirror and never seen again.


       So the blonde watched, the first lady looked in the mirror and said,"I think I' m the most beautiful women in the world...” sssssshhhhhhhuuuuuuuupppp, she was sucked into the mirror and never seen again. The next lady in line went up to the mirror and said, "I think I’m the sexiest women in the world. . .” ssssshhhhhhhuuuuuuuupppp, she was sucked into the mirror and never seen again. Next the blonde went up to the mirror with total confidence and said,"I think. . .”ssssssssshhhhhhhhuuuuuuuppppp, she was sucked up into the mirror and never seen again!



       1、Who is closer to you, your mom oryour dad?


       Mom is close because dad is farther.


       2、Why shouldn' t we give Elsa a balloon?


       Because she will Let lt Go.


       3、What did a late tomato say to other tomatoes?


       I will ketchup (catch up).






         Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren't always *** art enought to be accepted by the college. One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination. "Well," the dean said after some persuasion, "I'd better ask him a few questions first." Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn't know any of the answers. At last the dean said, "Well, what's five times seven?" The student thought for a long time and then answered, "Thirty-six." The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, "Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two."

       杰克霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练,他竭力想物色好球员。但是好球员学业不行,院方不愿录取。 有一天,教练带着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长,希望院方同意他免试入学。经过一番劝说后院长说:“那我最好先问问他几个问题。” 然后他转向学生,问了几个非常简单的问题。可是那个学生一个也答不上来。 最后院长说:“那么,五乘七得多少?” 学生想了很久,然后回答说:“三十六。” 院长摊开双手失望地看教练。可是教练认真地说,“噢,录取他吧,先生。他的答案只比正确答案多二。”



         One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau wasknown of his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at yourwatches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make surethey're still running."




         A Life for a Life


         The English author, Richard Savage, was once living inLondon in great poverty. In order toearn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life, but not many copies of the bookhad beensold in the shops, and Savage was living from hand tomouth. As a result of his lack of food hebecame very ill, but after a time, owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him, hegot well again.


         After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits, but poor Savage hadn'tanymoney and couldn't pay it. The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. Butstill no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money. Inthe endhe came to Savage's house and asked him for payment, saying to Savage, “You know you oweyour life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.”


         “I agree,” said Savage, “that I owe my life to you, and toprove to you that I am not ungratefulfor your work I will givemy life to you.”


         With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled,The life of Richard Savage.




         "I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in oneof my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say,'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate studentsjust write it down."





         A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell aboutthe time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn'tyour work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. "You cann'tprove that!" the student sputtered. My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in redwas: "Also see article on muni *** ."

         我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史,他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的,”他说,“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地列印了下来。” “你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。 我朋友笑了,他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是:“也可参阅共产主义一文。”


         Get Ready!

         A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop." Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."

         校园里流传着这样的故事:一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报,上面写着:“妈妈-我所有功课都不及格,被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。” 两天以后,他收到了回电:“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

       非常高兴能与大家分享这些有关“英语笑话大全 爆笑”的信息。在今天的讨论中,我希望能帮助大家更全面地了解这个主题。感谢大家的参与和聆听,希望这些信息能对大家有所帮助。